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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Writer's Diary #14- Pumpkin (Edit)

Grammar police, arrest these man, he talk in maths...

That's enough Yankovicing for today. I brought my "Pumpkin" poem to Writer's Club last night, seeing as a couple of you said that you liked it back in November. For the most part it was well recieved. There was, however, a small issue with the grammar in one particular line. Originally I had written, "for someone else/ and cheap amusement" But there was a problem with parallel structure. "For" would also have to go in front of "cheap". I wasn't happy with the rhythm when it was added, so here is my compromise.


Pumpkin

I don't know why you're
being so unreasonable.
We've all had our heads
cut open.......our brains pulled out
left with stupid grins
for someone else,
for cheap amusement.

So what if
it is November?
You were enjoyed.

2 comments:

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That works! But whew, I thought I was a stickler for grammer! I've got nothing on Book Club...

John Mutford said...

Despite the "grammar police" joke, they weren't that bad. In fact, that's the kind of feedback I like. Sucker for punishment I guess. And I know every poem doesn't need to make grammatical sense (and often they don't- in fact, there are still a few issues with this one), I just felt that since the error wasn't intentional, and didn't help the poem, it should be changed.