Friday, August 31, 2007

Poetry Friday/ Writer's Diary #34

It was my intent to simplify this poem as much as possible- cutting out unnecessary words and punctuation, using the barest and most basic language possible (avoiding overly flowery or descriptive words), and so on. I'm okay with the result but I'm a little afraid that I could never present it without at first adding this note. Maybe I have confidence issues.

car goes fast down road (early draft)

car goes fast down road
windows down
music loud

girl on sidewalk-
sunglasses quiet

------John Mutford


Sara said...

We ALL have confidence issues. Why do you think we turn the music up a notch too loud? Or wear sunglasses?

CJ said...

I'm not so much a poetry person but I really like the imagery of this one. I don't think it needs anything added to it. It's a very 'feel it on a basic level' sort of work. I like that.


John Mutford said...

Sara: Could be just that we're hard of hearing and worried about UV rays ;)

Cj: Thanks! Speaking of confidence issues, a lot of my "early draft" disclaimers arise from that. I always think the warning provides me with an out, should I ever decide to edit it down the road. But sometimes the early draft remains the final draft.

Anonymous said...

It's a view out the car window, compressed. I like it!

jama said...

This reminds me of flash fiction. Gives us the bare bones so the imagination can take hold. I like the concrete imagery, audible contrast between the stanzas. I'm really there. BTW, I agree with Sara about confidence issues. Overly confident people don't care about UV rays!

Sara said...

Could be, John, could be. :)

I rather like the "(early draft)" part of your title. It fits beautifully with your expressed theme of stripping down to the essentials. One can imagine how a poet MIGHT build a more complicated poem from this, but isn't it interesting to leave it where it is and ponder how much is enough?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I love this idea (actually, the poem as well), and may have to try this myself.

Mary Lee said...

Your poem reminds me a bit of We Real Cool by Gwendolyn Brooks. Less can be more!

John Mutford said...

Susan: Thanks!

Jama: Glad you like the contrast between the two stanzas. And may all those overly confident people have sunburnt retinas.

Sara: Seeing a positive side to my eternal openendedness is something I need help with!

Barbara: I hope you do (and then post the results, of course!)

Mary Lee: Hey, I'll take that! (For those people unfamiliar with that poem, read it and listen to it here.

Dewey said...

I think the poem could have stood up well on its own without any disclaimers, but it's also nice knowing your purpose, because it's an interesting exercise. I'd like to try it with some of my poems. In fact, did you ever see my transplant haiku, about the soil suffering too? I wrote that for a haiku challenge, and I liked the idea, so I tried to turn it into a "real" poem, but NOTHING I could do with it came anywhere near the purity of the haiku, so I left it that way.